How much does a leading or Bottom appear to be in Queer Sex?

Queer ladies are constantly right down to actually get into it with what we *mean* as soon as we speak about
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so can be we! And that’s why we did
a complete extensive survey
of y’all on the topic just a couple of years ago, carrying out the analysis about what y’all indicate whenever you speak about
tops
,
bottoms
,
changes
, and
more
. As ever seems to be the way it is around, however, it felt like there was a lot more to process here. It doesn’t matter what much survey information we collect, its tough to find the way that these tactics perform in our very own real resides, and how two people utilizing the same terms on their own might embody all of them really differently. It felt like the only way to really check out how that performs away was to, you are aware, keep in touch with both — so discover some conversations among AS staffers hoping to get into base of just what queer sexual dynamics indicate within our actual lives. Last time we talked-about
just what our very own various intimate identities “mean”
!

This conversation had been around exploring the question of:

What do we feel our very own sexual IDs “mean” about all of us as “people”, our personalities or mental landscapes when we ID a specific means? Perform they’ve got overlaps with these sense of home beyond sleep, or no? will we often assume this about other people (that a night out together could be a bottom if they’re coy, or a premier as long as they purchase products)? Do we see others assuming these items about us (or projecting all of them onto us)? Perform these exact things seem like cultural shorthands, of course so might be they annoying or helpful? Or would they reach genuine ways that our very own sexual characteristics tend to be organic expressions of the rest of our personhood?

---

Malic:

I had people think that i am a premier because I’m masc and I’ve had folks believe that i am a base because i am physically small. This frustrates us to no conclusion, therefore I don’t assume how others define their particular intimate functions. Claiming an identity term like “top” or “change” feels excessively simplistic, but sometimes those words help create discussions about intercourse with folks i am internet dating. Sexual identity words were specifically useful whenever somebody feels uncomfortable about receiving “excess” enjoyment (wooow, patriarchy features actually accomplished lots on you) and that I can assure them by stating, “keep in mind, i am a high!” (i.e. “I like doing this for you! This really is my personal thing! Providing pleasure offers me personally satisfaction! Lay back and go!”).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that’s so shitty when people believe some thing about yourself as people considering your exact real human body!

Malic:

Easily could decide to get bigger, i might (typically therefore I could match menswear). But this is exactly what I got!

Rachel:

We surely do not presume or guess any such thing according to exterior signifiers pertaining to anyone same reasons above, and since i think it would possibly get essentialist in strange methods extremely fast (by way of example, i’m usually described or thought by brand-new associates is a “femme top,” or searched for by folks mainly attracted to femme clothes, which will be so unconventional if you ask me when I never ID’d because femme in just about any forum, I just have actually… long hair?). But I believe ambivalent, because it also feels very good & attractive for me to get detected (properly) as a top; Really don’t think people in standard must trying to pigeonhole BUT it does feel good (to me) to get found properly, in that it can make myself feel hot & affirmed inside my top-ness but additionally given that it is like I have been “successful” for some reason in creating essential elements of myself personally readable — or maybe more precisely, I guess that folks we associate with are witnessing me personally precisely.

Which I guess is a lot like queerness generally speaking – there isn’t any option to “look” queer or straight and then we most likely should not make an effort to guess, additionally it seems great once I get effectively look over as queer by additional queers and terrible when I have study as straight.

Shelli:

Just what relates to myself most whenever thinking about the assumptions that folks have beside me during intercourse, usually because I’m really feminine they think that i will end up being submissive – which once we discussed
finally time
, I was prior to now for particular ladies. Years ago (less anymore, which ideally means individuals are studying) they thought considering my size, United States 14-16, that i am practically actually incapable of being very active during intercourse.

I am most likely more versatile, energetic and full of energy than some of the smallest people i understand with regards to fucking. Easily’m sweaty and breathy during sex this means i am having a lot of fun; it has got nothing at all to do with my dimensions.

I’ve in addition experienced some ladies — and this also consists of non-black POC females — who happen to be wanting some kind of exoticism because I’m black colored. Thinking automatically your gender are crazy and crazy or that i will strap them predicated on this very sexualized form of black colored ladies they have created in their minds and most likely viewed on film and TV.

Vanessa:

I do believe once We discovered I’m actually a bottom, many things clicked into location. Its stereotypical to assume any individual likes whatever fancy in bed as a result of appearance or presumptions, definitely, but researching MYSELF just how the thing I like during intercourse correlates to the way I in the morning into the rest of living was an extremely fun disclosure!

As well as allowed me to become more singing and truthful with times; I’m recalling one specific tinder date from a long time ago who I thought had been a top from the way they certainly were flirting beside me, but I wasn’t 100% yes. They lived kind of far away and it undoubtedly would definitely end up being a commitment which will make a date observe all of them, and I ended up being putting off inquiring as long as they happened to be a leading because I became just a little timid, however my personal closest friend had been just like “babe, this really is not really worth the power to create this right up if they’re maybe not planning desire to bang the manner in which you wish to shag,” and this was actually really clarifying! I am never proclaiming that all clothes are compatible with all bottoms, that two soles are unable to have a rather great time collectively, etc etc, but Im stating that when we’re dating i do believe we sometimes take to so very hard to make one thing when it is not planning to occur, being in a position to figure out previously if possibility of sexual being compatible is there is ideal for me when making truthful slutty associations with folks.

I want to second Shelli that I think most presumptions have been made about myself in past times re: exactly how flexible or energetic I’ll be because of my fat (i am a small-to-medium fat person) but I typically fixed that by just screwing some other excess fat people are now plus it RULES.

I additionally look for lots of delight in only bending into my base identity just as it’s fun to lean into my dyke identification, my personal queer identity, etc. It is like another play ground we all get to perform in, and tease one another, and really get comfy for the reason that is NOT available to right men and women, and I also that way. Like for example my sweetheart and that I constantly joke that because I’m a Capricorn base I really like getting the number 1 student, instructor’s pet, etc and since she actually is a Capricorn top she loves to function as the instructor. Do-all Capricorn tops/bottoms think? Maybe not? But genuinely appears like…yes? That is certainly a fun laugh to make about ourselves, and ways to discover lightness and play in sexuality and need. I don’t know I am 100% responding to practical question right here but that’s the way I believe!

Rachel:

I believe there’s something to this Vanessa needless to say! Both in a playful way and a significant method – like clearly it really is FUN and amusing to joke about this with one another, and gender is meant as enjoyable! I really like having vocabulary for sex in addition to like whenever it does not have feeling heavy, and I have actually place within brands to joke about it. therefore feels like a trust-building personal thing with a sexual lover to tease each other about getting a high or a bottom or whatever (and certainly will even be hot, and flirting!). In addition however, I have hung-up a tiny bit on that thing of similar “She’s a capricorn so she’s a premier, and that I’m a Capricorn therefore I’m a bottom!” I used to discuss this with somebody I became internet dating and whom I found myself much like – I became like ‘I feel like it’s all-natural in my situation to top because I’m such a control nut’ as well as is like ‘Right, in addition feels normal for me personally to need to bottom and let it go because I’m these a control nut!’ Like what makes that huge difference??

Malic:

These astrology/ intercourse part laughs are significantly relatable. As an Aries leading, we shag to win.

Vanessa:

“we fuck to win” oh my GOSH Malic discussing that with my personal Aries bff right away. Rachel I do believe among the hottest things about power characteristics in gender — that I think is really what the top/bottom/switch roles tend to be in regards to, and which i think causes very fast to kink stuff that we failed to actually enter into (in addition does not will have to guide to kink! it is a portal!) — may be the method in which comparable individuality characteristics can result in willing to screw in completely different steps for the reason that additional character faculties / trauma / knowledge / record / interest / etc

Malic:

I happened to be wanting to developed some thing about various individuality faculties colliding, and Vanessa merely nailed it.

Shelli:

I am a two fold Taurus with a soaring in Pisces and idk exactly how that plays into my identity but We recognize any and all emails from Astro queers inside my DM’s advising me personally how it does (I am not fooling – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And that I also want to look into just what Rachel raised towards effectiveness having VOCABULARY to generally share that which we fancy even if we aren’t sure the reason we enjoy it. To tackle the kinkier part of my identification somewhat, In my opinion it’s really important to remember that communication in a world is vital, and when do not learn how to talk about whatever you fancy and that which we’re interested in and just what all of our restrictions are subsequently we are actually performing a disservice to our selves and the play associates and possibly not really being safe. I’m a tiny bit bashful to express even more but really does which make good sense?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I Am in admiration